While you’re waiting on the results of your transvaginal ultrasound. While you replay every tick, twitch, and sigh of your tech. The way he held his mouth. Why he lingered over a certain spot. While you obsess over the questions he asked, and wonder about what is happening in your body right now.
You can’t help but play the “what if it is Cancer” game.
When I let myself finish that sentence this afternoon, what I came up with was surprising. Of course after quitting my job and traveling more (because apparently not only do I now have cancer I also won the lottery and discovered some miracle that allows you to have and treat it without getting sick) came a fairly simple list. Take better care of myself. Get exercise. Eat good food. Connect with my friends more. Make art. Enjoy my husband everyday. Really enjoy him.
What struck me about this, (aside from my potential, and impending death of course), was how sad my list was in some ways. I didn’t dream of lofty things, only wanted what most people consider a normal part of their daily routine.
Which made me question why it would take having cancer to get me to eat breakfast and take a walk around the block. But such is where I am in my life right now. Where a lot of women are. More concerned about taking care of everyone else instead of themselves.
And while I know that sentiment is rather cliche, it’s that for a reason. Because it’s true. And that’s sad.
It shouldn’t take a transvaginal ultrasound and the possibility of cancer to get us to take a few minutes each day to care for ourselves. To walk around the block. To eat good food. To have a wonderful life.
So while my original goal when I stripped down for my routine Pap smear was to feel bien dans ma peau, to get my health in order, to strike off one of my fives, my larger goal became feeling good in my life.
So that if it is cancer tomorrow, I can smile and know my life was mighty not in grand ways but in the everyday details.
“This is the beginning of a new day. God had give me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving something I have traded for it. I want it to be a gain, not loss; good, not evil; success, not failure; in order that I shall not regret the price I paid for it.” -card picked up in a gift shop three days ago